How not to cry like a 12-year-old girl at a Harry Style’s concert during graduation.

Tips to stop crying at graduation this year.

Joseph Johnson, Copy Editor

The time of year has come for graduation caps, gowns, and needless tears over the people hallways that you probably will not miss that much. St. Edward’s current senior class will be graduating on Thursday, May 18th this year, and many of you seniors have only one burning question in their mind. How? How do I prevent myself from crying at my graduation? Well, well, well, this fine senior author is here to tell YOU, yes YOU, how to prevent yourself from crying at graduation and be as emotionless as possible throughout the entire ghastly process. Merely follow the following tips and you will not only never cry at graduation, but you will also never cry again!

  • Tip #1: Don’t go to graduation.
  • Tip #2: Ignore the first tip because if you merely avoid crying you are a coward.
  • Tip #3: If you feel as if you are about to start crying during the graduation ceremony, look around at the people you will be leaving. That should fix it.
    • Tip #3a: If you enjoy the people you are graduating with, then do not look at them at all.
    • Tip #3b: Worst comes to worst, do not make any friends.
  • Tip #4: If you do start crying at graduation, immediately leave and go to the bathroom. If it persists, put red food coloring in your eyes [1] so the tears no longer look like tears.
  • Tip #5: When they call 9-1-1 and you are in the hospital, cry because you messed up your entire high school graduation.

And then you’re done! You’ll never cry at your graduation, or at any other event again, out of fear of going to the hospital! However, if you do end up crying, it is alright! It is not like you will ever see these people again anyway.


[1] Do not follow this advice.