A young student sits at a desk in a school, sweating while considering the multitude of tasks he must accomplish in the span of 30 minutes between his last class period and the start of his basketball practice. Stress is a terror that infringes on all facets of one’s life. It is the deep lurking doom overshadowing the obviously plentiful joys of life, strangling them before our eyes and taking them away forever. However, this fine author, who has the absolute epitome of stress management [1], is here to share with you his fine tips and tricks to alleviate your stress and help you to enjoy your life again.

• Tip #1: Write down every single time you are stressed in a notebook, so you know what triggers you.
  • Tip #1a: When that notebook is filled within the span of 24 hours, buy a new notebook.
• Tip #2: Take that notebook and burn it because Tip #1 will just make you more stressed [2].
• Tip #3: Every time you become stressed, take deep breaths and relax. Pray a Hail Mary and try to calm yourself down.
• Tip #4: Attempt to spread out your homework so you do not have to do it all in 1 hour. If you have a week to do an assignment, use the entire week to do it slowly instead of working on it at 3 a.m. the night before it is due, chugging Red Bull [3].
• Tip #5: Pray if all else fails [4].
• Tip #6: If all else indeed does fail, including prayer, abandon hope and resign yourself to the fact that stress will never leave you.

And that is all! If you follow these tips, you will soon be free of stress and living a happy life, unlike all those who refuse to follow these tips and are suffering forever [5].

Footnotes:

• [1] This is, of course, very true.
• [2] This author does not endorse arson. Please burn the notebook in a safe location far away from flammable material.
• [3] This has not been attempted by the author of this article. No Red Bull cans were consumed in the writing of this article. This article does not endorse the consumption of large quantities of caffeine as a means of keeping one awake. The consumption of large quantities of caffeine can be the cause of serious health problems, including but not limited to: High blood pressure, racing heart, heart attack, and death. If you are currently consuming large quantities of caffeine and are unable to quit, please consider seeking professional help. To reiterate, the author of this article does not and will not endorse the consuming of Red Bull at 3 a.m. to complete the essay you have to turn in to Mrs. Schmidt the next morning that you are not prepared to turn in.
• [4] The author of this article applauds you if you are actually reading these footnotes.
• [5] If you are reading this footnote, you are not one of those people.