DISCLAIMER: This article is a comedic piece and is not meant to reflect the feelings or beliefs of St. Edward Central Catholic High School or the students and faculty therein.

A mother sits in a church crying because her children have turned to heresy. “Why?” she asks, “Why has this happened?” Heresy has sprung up around the world, oozing upon the souls of poor helpless invalids who do not know how to defend themselves. Among the true Church, we must ask the question, why? Why has this happened? How do we protect our children from this terror? How do we save them from hell? This fine author of Catholic descent is here to soothe your fears and help you to learn how to fight heretical beliefs.

• Tip #1: Know that you are right, and they are wrong.
• Tip #2: Be well-versed in Catholic theology—if you are not, you are basically on their side.
• Tip #3: Pray to the Holy Spirit for guidance in battle.
• Tip #4: Find your first listener and explain to them the truth of Catholicism.
  • Tip #4A: Do not start the conversation and explain to them that they are wrong. Rather, bring up your experience with how amazing the Church is and how you are a happier person. Then start giving evidence for why you are right.
• Tip #5: Walk away with the satisfaction of saving someone’s soul.

And that is all! Before long, you will be known as the “Hammer of Heretics”, just like St. Anthony!