A teenage girl sits alone in her room crying and smearing her makeup over a heart-shaped pillow. Within the stained pillow she repeats, “Why must I be single on Valentine’s Day? Why?!” Valentine’s Day is the scourge of those who are single and have no person with whom they can spend their day. It is the international day of loneliness, a day that is dreaded by many as it comes and goes. However, you can break the pattern of lonely single people! Simply read these sublime tips from this incredible author, and you—yes even you—can have a valentine this year!

• Tip #1: Locate a person.
• Tip #2: Make a poster for the person you found. For some reason, people love to be asked to do things by posters. Homecoming proposals, companies, protests, and revolts all use posters to ask people to do things.
  • Tip #2A: Make sure the poster is personal to them. You do not want a poster with a football on it for the girl that is on the math team.
• Tip #3: Bring the poster to the person’s house unannounced and watch the shock on their face.
• Tip #4: Pray.
• Tip #5: When this special person slams the door on you, remember to, “just keep swimming” (The Gospel according to Dory). Persistence is key.
  • Tip #5A: Remember not to do anything illegal.
• Tip #6: Once they finally accept your proposal after a great many attempts, thank the good Lord for the miracle He has performed.

And that is all! It is such a simple task. Much easier than passing those silly finals that you thought you would do well on a couple of months ago. But how are you supposed to spend your time with them?